So, I am not setting myself up as a world authority on poly relationships because thats not what I spent the majority of my sexual life doing.
However, I thought I’d set out some basics that I have noted for those of us with sexual appetites tilting towards voracious (thats what one of my lovers once said and I’m not going to disillusion him now!) and moralities incompatible with monogamous.
Edit: I was concentrating on emotional fall out so I didn’t actually write down my basic safety standard!
0. CONDOMS. Nope I don’t care if you don’t like using them, if you are sleeping with more than one person there is not a better contraceptive… femidoms are shit… diaphragms are ok, cervical caps are better. Personally though; condoms, Condoms, CONDOMS!
1. Tell everyone what you are doing, in my case this was; ‘I am not going to sleep exclusively with you, I like to have a lot of lovers.’
1.a. If they are not up for that, leave them alone.
1.b. If they say they are up for it but later on prove that they are not then get out of the situation fast, no ifs and no buts and no matter how good they are in bed.
2. Tell everyone what you are doing before sleeping with them or else this makes you a horrible person. If someone won’t sleep with you because they view what you are doing as ‘sleeping around’ or ‘being a slut’ by all means enter into debate with them but under no circumstances trick someone into bed. Or you are everything they say you are.
3. Never cheat on anyone. Never cause anyone else to cheat. The only reason you are doing this is to be happy and if you cause someone else’s unhappiness even at one remove you aren’t worth that happiness.
4. Be open and honest about having lots of lovers, make sure everyone is comfortable with the whole thing, if one lover likes you to be exclusively with them on a particular evening make sure this is known about and everyone is happy about it.
4.a. If someone rings you to see if they can get with you whilst you are with someone else, you have to turn them down.
5. When arranging an ending or having something end try to make a nice evening of it. If they end it suddenly by acquiring a relationship quickly try and have a quiet drink to end things intellectually if not physically.
5.a. If you get the chance later on to have that goodbye evening take it with both hands.
6. Because you do not know when things will end enjoy every second of being with the other person/people with every fibre of your being.
In other words, shagging around is not an excuse for poor behaviour or making someone else, anyone else hurt. If you can’t treat other people with respect then you should stop shagging them, or anything else really.
With regards to ‘number 1’ – what I’d flinch at is the idea that someone might say one thing, mean it intellectually, but not be able to deal with the truth of what they’re saying and handle it emotionally.
My house evolved a phrase for this – it’s called being ’emphatically fine’ with something. Saying that you are and refusing to admit *to yourself* that things are not fine. How often have some of us head a spiel along the lines of the following?
"I’m fine with it. No really. I’m fine with it. See me be fine with it. Honestly, I’M FINE WITH IT GODDAMN IT!!" *cue dissolving into floods of tears*
This is one of the many reasons why I don’t think I could handle a poly relationship – because you have to be able to read people better than they know themselves, know when your actions are going to cause hurt even when the other person thinks they’re ok, and be able to balance things continually so that nobody gets hurt accidentally. The stress of trying to do that would kill me. I don’t always trust the people around me to have the ability to be honest *with themselves* because some of them have proven themselves to be spectacularly bad at it, and I can’t always take them at their word.
It’s great if you can find people who have the ability to be honest with themselves first. But sometimes things like that can’t always be guaranteed as much as any of us would like.
Thanks, this post is a good read. Finding people that are ok with poly is not really that easy. 1b might sound easy in writing, but in reality it’s a situation that can hurt as hell. Especially when having to accept someone else is not ok with the situation. It doesn’t matter then how much you want them. Admittedly, I tend to put some of my heart into each relationship, with friends as well as lovers. I can easily do sex without love, but I can’t do a relationship without giving a bit of myself. Maybe that is a failing.
If the people involved aren’t both giving a bit of themselves then it isn’t a relationship! … ;o)
I think that depends on what you consider giving of yourself. You can be a generous person without sharing what’s deep inside yourself… it’s easy enough to interact with people without sharing that deepest layer of yourself. It’s even possible to have a relationship without doing it – albeit not a very good one.
Hate to come over all fluffbunny wiccan for this one Nodic Lady, but I fine that what I give I get back in abundance. So yeah, I give myself to each lover I have had over the years and I get them back over and over again. I couldn’t be happier, and that includes all the heartache.
As to your post Erfie, you have to trust someone to know themselves. Basically you have to trust people on face value until they prove you can’t. Also you have be happy with letting go, because if you’ve said one thing and they’ve heard another then thats down to them. Sure, it’ll hurt like hell, but the quicker you get out of there, the less pain over all – and since you can’t live life without pain better learn to live with it and try for as little as possible rather than none at all.
I did say that there isn’t a better Manly Viking, and according to the alst book I read cervical caps and diaphragms do stop some STDs or STIs or whatever they call them these days. But yes, condoms are the best. Also GUM clinics, as you say.
I know what you mean with the fluffy Wiccan bit, Mish – I never consider holding back. It was more an observation on it being done to me. Though these days I don’t think it was holding back as much as the fact that there was nothing he had to give, he was pretty empty on the inside.
"femidoms are shit… diaphragms are ok, cervical caps are better."
Erm. If you’re sleeping with multiple partners they’re worth fuck all unless your only concern is pregnancy, which is ultimately a minor worry considering what you can catch. In fact, depending on the disease even condoms aren’t worth much.
So… it’s not enough that you use a condom, which I personally insist upon with everyone that I don’t trust with my life, but each and every partner must also be regularly checked at the GUM clinic.
I think that the sort of scum who don’t get regular check ups at the GUM clinic despite having multiple sexual partners should be introduced to something called a spike in the reproductive organs… because that’s one of the less unpleasant sensations you risk spreading to those you are sleeping with.
Oh yeah… And condoms get rolled to the very base of the penis, not over the end only or less than half way, all the way to the base. You’re not in a fucking porno, you’ve a responsibility to yourself and the person you’re having sex with…
Hmm… I’m going to go and break things. ttfn.
That bit you just said to Erfalaswen about having to trust someone to know themselves… Yeah… I agree, but that’s also the way to pain for some or all involved.
But then, people make mistakes. If they then take a different direction next time, that’s called learning.
I guess you know all about this – you’ve been through polyamorous/casual arrangements in almost all the time I’ve known you, and there’ve been hiccups, but you’ve built up to this.
Polyamory… don’t know if it’s for me (but then I haven’t tried it yet), but I can see how it can work.
(Did any of that make sense?)