(Content Warning – Discussion of Suicide, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide in a LARP context)
I was on such a high after that LARP. Because of course I ended on what has on occaision been lovingly referred to as a Mish Special (this one didn’t really deserve that, it was very low-key).
I had forgotten the utter high of doing it though, I haven’t had the chance to for a while, certainly not in an in person LARP and I really feel like I needed it. This is honestly me walking that line of LARP is not your Therapy very closely and I am hugely aware of it.
Saying that I struggle with suicide ideation almost seems unfair at times and it’s such a weird thing because I clearly do have a problem with it, it’s just that it’s such an obvious background thought to me half of the time that calling it ‘a struggle’ seems wrong somehow. It’s just there.
I did gain a certain level of insight into my suicide at LARP urges and how perhaps they differ from others doing ostensibly the same thing. One of the other players apologised that she had distracted players from seeing my death? dead body? noticing my character’s yellow dress swaying from the branches of an oak tree.
My internal reaction was that of incredulity, why would I care what other players saw?
But I have done spectacular suicides before, ones that were done in front of people even. However, suicide as a display is fine but it’s not at base level what I get out of it. I get the godsdamned relief of having gotten it out of my system. I am so used to having the idea that I can just get myself gone that I barely even notice it anymore until that beautiful relief after a LARP in which I’ve topped myself. Then it’s not there, after the birthday LARP where my ghost gained power within the system for living and reliving her suicide that lasted for absolute months.
I don’t know how long this will last but I hadn’t even noticed the ideation just sneaking it’s way in and then I’m walking around a park in Bedford with Beautiful Lute and it’s not there. There’s the joy of the sun and the birds and the whole thing had some sort of wonderful dreamlike quality to it.
The whole thing felt like a physical relief to me, deciding to do it and the character relaxed then walking around saying goodbye to the characters that were my character’s friends. Except for the one who’d know what she was about to do. Working out what to do it with, no access to good drugs, no real access to knives and no fake blood, but I was wearing a belt and there was an oak tree. Then seeing the moment of distraction to do it. Dropping everything, getting to that tree and looping my belt over it.
Perfect.
And then just being so, so relaxed and then so very high on the joy of it all, being alive with no black voice in the back of your head.
I don’t know how long this will last but Gods it Feels So Good. Int Livin’ BRILLIANT?