This year was the year I started to really feel things. I did so much therapy last year, I really worked on things, so for all Reddit poly people can jump on my descriptions of my feelings towards The Fae Ref and Beautiful Lute and declare I’m an NRE addict, what remains is that this year I’m not numbed. Not as numbed at any rate.
It’s had its downsides, this not being numbed thing, see reference to the heartbreak for one thing. But everything is just being felt so wholely, across my body, through my whole being. Previously felt things are molten, melting, unfreezing but everything is so godsdamned slow.
Also I don’t know how this full range of feelings works, things I thought of as not overwhelming, things I’ve thought of as manageable, they turn out not to be. It’s not second puberty, but I can see the similarities, learning how to deal with what’s presumably the usual range of emotional capacity.
Everything is so very Much.
Everything.
I need to figure out what to do about work. I’m too much at the sharp end of things, I’m constantly re-traumatising myself, and I can’t keep doing this, my mind isn’t working properly, on bad days it feels like nothing is working properly. If you think I’m overstating things by describing it as retraumatising then as a catch up, over the last decade (plus) I have been assaulted on multiple occasions (nothing as bad as why I left teaching), I have been possibly drugged (possibly just spent too long in the presence of someone who boasted about abusing their position to drug people), I’ve see extensive injuries, some caused by self-harm, and I’ve seen people constantly trying to succeed by continually let down and undermined by the systems supposedly in place to help them. I need to not do this anymore. I’m not functioning well anymore and if I have to do this with a complete emotional range it’s either going to be impossible or I’ll end up numbed again.
I’m going to go see cute animals tomorrow in some effort to feel wholely human.