(Content Warning – this is pretty grim in case the title doesn’t give that away)
In the last ten years I’ve seen three people be run over in Lancaster and thats honestly beginning to feel like a lot. My whole life is beginning to feel like a lot to be quite honest, which is possibly the first time I’ve thought that although people have been saying so for years. But I’m not talking about actions I take or situations I put myself in. I’m talking about driving around the one-way system and happening to be in the place to see the horror – again.
This wasn’t too bad of a running over, I’m pretty sure the person on the ground was still alive when I saw him go down, which is better than the guy who, kind of spattered? Bled everywhere all at once in anycase and there was blood all over the road mixing in with the rain. That was the first one, probably around 2012. Perhaps three is done, you know, the whole, bad things come in threes thing. Perhaps I’m feeling overly sensitive at the moment.
A friend offered a place on her trauma group after the girl I saw who’d attempted suicide, there wasn’t much blood there to be frank but I did rather zero in on the little that there was. There’s a lot of exposure to trauma in my life, some of which I’ve done to myself through my own choices but honestly a lot isn’t, which isn’t to say anyone has done it to me of late.
The Jellicle says that she loves my enthusiasm for life, I’ve said before that I always want to be greedy and taking more and more, I want everything please. I don’t like it if that means I hurt people though. But I can only affect what I have control of and most of the things that I seize are in my path, I don’t cause them, I just happen to be there. There’s no rhyme or reason to a lot of what I see, what I find myself in the middle of. But I do seize whatever I find.
In order to be in the right place at the right time, I guess I also need to be in the wrong place at the wrong time too. Three pedestrians and two very full on traffic accidents lately. It’s a lot. I need to hunker down and get calm and comfortable but I’m driving around for work and I see this, I didn’t even get involved, I backed up and off and I left it to others. Yeah there’s some residual guilt over that but frankly, they had it covered, directing traffic, two people with very likely more recent first aid qualifications than me nearest to the hopefully still living person on the ground.
There’s so much to fill life with, but I don’t like how much violence there is in my head, I don’t like how much blood and sometimes it feels like theres very little to be done to get rid of it because there’s always more isn’t there?
