M-i-L suggested that all the awful at the end of last year was to balance out all the good stuff over the summer. Well, it’s still happening and I’m not a fan. The thing about the heights of feeling last year, the sheer ecstasy is that this year I have the lows. The physically painful sadness, and yet, it’s ballusted so much by the sheer level of gratitude that any of it happened at all.
Am I headed Swampwards? The longer this goes on, the more of it there is, the more likely that becomes, it gets harder to avoid, but the fact I’m not there already – that’s some kind of miracle. I think having specific things to do helps, a few years ago, my stupid mistakes would be ‘called out’ as being part of specific narratives suggesting I’d done things on purpose and I’d seriously question if I had actually subconsciously or whatever acted badly.
Like, as a really little kid I’d go brush my teeth and then my parents would tell me I hadn’t really brushed them, so I’d do it some more, but still I’d be sent back to the bathroom because I’d be told I hadn’t really brushed them. I remember being really confused at the time, clearly my parents couldn’t be wrong, so however I was brushing my teeth had to be wrong, I ended up scraping parts off my teeth I was brushing so hard in the end. Then the blame was on how I’d said that I was brushing them. It made it sound like I was lying. I got that a lot in school, my phrasing or whatever would make people not believe it was my birthday when it was, that I had or hadn’t gotten whatever we were talking about over the weekend.
All of that meant that when I upset people and they said I’d done it deliberately or as part of whatever narratives that seemed obvious to them I’d believe them. I’d worry that I was doing things subconsciously as they said I was. Nothing like thinking you’re a bad person to really get those depressive juices flowing.
I’m not a bad person. My brain doesn’t work the same as everyone elses, and my information processing is really pretty screwed.
One thing I had to learn and relearn at school was that I needed to read exam questions three times, it never felt like I was misunderstanding them but you get enough examples in the mock exams and you realise that you really are eventually. I already worked out that I don’t make decisions drunk unless I think I’d do the same thing sober. New rule, not doing anything whilst I have a temperature unless I think I’d do it whilst well and I re-read any emails three times, same as exam questions.
I’m pretty much everywhere when it comes to emotions. But everything underpinned with such incredible feelings of gratitude. I’ve managed to work a bit, so even though the physical tired is impacting the mental by repeating the patterns of Depressed behaviour it’s not totally tipping me. I wish I was quicker on the uptake though, I really do, I don’t like making mistakes that hurt other people.
