I get very frustrated with my brain of late. I’ve been too tired to get out of bed for most of last week. If I was out of bed I was at work. I haven’t done yoga in about three weeks. There’s a constant toing and froing in my thoughts asking if this is physical fatigue or depression.
I know I have a whole lot of mental health things going on with me. I know that the most scary sensation I felt last year was my brain simply ceasing to function, and yet it takes a telephone appointment during which they confirm that I have elevated levels of cortisol and probably have had for sometime before I really believe in the back of my mind that there’s something actually wrong with me.
I’m so frustrated with myself, everyone else gets to be ill even if it’s an exclusionary diagnosis but I won’t accept on some level that I am unless there’s something measurable? It’s absolutely internalised ablism at this point and it is very very annoying.
I managed a whole lot of self care today which I haven’t since pre the latest round of covid. Now my relationship between self harm and lack of self care is an interesting one but basically I deny myself self care as a form of self harm and I’ve been doing that lately I realise because I haven’t on some level believed I’m really sick. Oh I hate the twisty fucking pathways in my head, I’m so angry with myself right now.