My sense of time is… to be honest I’m not sure I really have one. I don’t mean the way I’m often late to things but that I can’t tell sometimes when or how things happen, like I need to really think in order to anchor myself in the timing on any given thing.
I think that’s why I like to write things down, then the words anchor the reality to something fixed and unmoving.
I often get told that I make other people feel happy and connected. I don’t usually myself feel that connection, I’m usually facilitating them for the people around me. When I do I don’t seem to be able to translate my emotional feeling of connection into explaining what that means to the people around me.
I was struggling very much with any sense of connectedness last year, everything was getting far too much for me, I’ve integrated my work far too much into my everyday life, which I thought was a good thing in that it made me feel quite solid, but all the solid bits of trauma and trauma response have booted out the creativity and connections to self that I had through that creativity resulting in almost an elongated suicide, I feel like I got snagged, caught before I quite fell and I’m left floating around here trying to express my thanks before I’ve quite got to shore.