(The brief for this entry is as follows: It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it.)
Dear Dad,
I’m bisexual, I have been since, well, I don’t know when but I’ve known it since I was thirteen or fourteen and sat next to a particular girl in French. I thought she was utterly beautitful, it was a combination of her fantastic cheekbones and expressive blue eyes.
I didn’t talk about this at school because I didn’t want to upset anyone, by which I mean, I didn’t tell anyone because you worked at the school and having a queer daughter in the nineties wasn’t going to go down well in rural Lincolnshire.
I attempted to come out to you and Mum about twice whilst I still lived with you. It did not go well, even now I go back and forth about whether you knew what I was trying to say to you or if the subject just enfuriated you so much that you couldn’t keep your opinions inside. Some years of my life I’ve assumed it was deliberate, others I’ve assumed you didn’t mean it and it was my sudden inability to speak that caused the problem.
It was hard growing up in the eighties and nineties and being bisexual, but honestly your reactions made it harder. I honestly think that in some ways, and despite having multiple girlfriends, it took me until last year to really feel comfortable with my sexuality as a bisexual woman. And honestly I could have done without that coming in the midst of a whole lot of other shit, it would have been nice if it had happened earlier.
I don’t know where your discomfort stemmed from but I do know how much your generation and especially men of your generation were taught to fear gay men. It really fucked me up in someways and it made it hard for me to realise that I needed to talk about my own stuff and indeed how to talk, some people observing this blog may well respond that I still can’t do that appropriately.
I was bisexual before The Jellicle Cat came out as a woman, which is when I started using the word ‘lesbian’ on the regular in regards to myself in front of you. Mrs Jackson certainly knew that, I have no idea if the staffroom gossip about my sexuality ever made it to you but it was true if it did. It’s also tru that I tried my hardest to ensure it never made it to your ears. I wish I hadn’t, I wish I had just come out and taken the consequences, your anger and embarrassment be damned.
But I didn’t do that. I kept quiet because I didn’t want something that was veiwed as understandably upsetting to cause anyone but me any problems.
Still, I was out as bisexual by the time I was sixteen Dad and the longer I live the happier I am about it.
Lots of Love,
Mish