(Content warning – contains frank references to my sex life)
Being bisexual doesn’t cause me inner turmoil these days, being bisexual within the context of other people frequently has.
Yes, yes roll your eyes I’m sure somebody is rolling their eyes. Anyone saying “we live in a society”? – right, in anycase, get it out of your system.
I genuinely thought when I’d figured out that I was bisexual, that this was a thing that existed, that I’d gotten rid of the inner turmoil surrounding my sexuality, oh sweet summer child of a teenager that I was.
The turmoil that I had then I think I’ve written about ad nauseam in previous Pride months. It was all about how I was unaware that bisexuality was a thing, but what relevance that has to my inner turmoil now is what my teenage self thought was going on.
Most days I genuinely worried that I had been socially conditioned to fancy men. On other days I also worried that I had been culturally conditioned to think of women as attractive and that this had somehow convince me I was bisexual. There have been periods of my life when I have found it astoundingly easy to hit on men successfully and other periods when the reverse is true, and honestly during each of those periods I’ve asked myself if I was really bisexual, wasn’t I perhaps actually gay, wasn’t I perhaps actually straight? If I ground myself and breathe then it’s really pretty obvious that I do but caught up in the moment of any given situation I have been in the habit of constantly questioning myself. On better days its self reflection and I love it as a personal quality, on bad days it’s just Depression hitting me in the self-doubt.
I think that’s perhaps why I enjoy threesomes so much, there’s no inner turmoil, I’m definitely a fan of both. I think being bisexual comes with an inherent turmoil, if you’re with one you’re not usually with the other (I think I’ve been astoundingly lucky when it comes to threesomes over the years – shout outs to a couple of people lacking nicknames, one guy who would rather I didn’t name him, FFG, Giggles, Princess Lex, FJ, The Jellicle, M-I-L, The Fae Ref and Beautiful Lute) and I question myself a lot, about the reality of any given situation, about if I am being true to the whole of myself or not. Last year was very good for putting an end to that self doubt.
Mostly my inner turmoil in the last ten years has been about liking men sexually in spite of the utterly entitled dicks that they can be rather than any turmoil when it comes to the previous worries about my sexuality. I am feeling astoundingly confident about that at the moment. My whole approach to relationships, sex, the whole shebang is very natural and not conditioned and unfortunately doesn’t accurately map onto other people’s expectations of such. But it does make me feel secure in my sexuality at least.