On Friday I listened to a voice recording that turned my brain inside out, on Saturday I got lost in a changing room and yesterday I couldn’t find my way out of one of the covered shopping areas in town. The smallest one of them. It was a little scary.
I stepped out of The Works and intentionally turned right, except I turned left and headed in the opposite direction to that which I intended. I noticed when I saw I was coming up to the square that I thought should have been behind me, paused and turned around. Thought it was a bit weird and then had to very deliberately look at each shop as I couldn’t recognise any of them. Like I could see they were shops and I could read their signs but I couldn’t bring to mind my familiarity with them or where they were relationally in town to anything else. I had to look at each one and deliberately work out where it was as if I had never been to this town before in my life and I was relying on a map that I was looking at for the first time.
I tried to stay out for the Chinese New Year stuff but to be honest being so disoriented meant I eventually gave it up. I practically ran to the bus stop rather than trust myself to walk home. I was sat on that little wooden bench almost gripping it to keep myself tethered to something solid. Getting home and shutting the door I dived under a blanket for a bit in sheer relief.
I’m not sure what set off this bit of dissociation, perhaps it was Friday, or possibly getting quite so drunk on Saturday, but it was rather horrible to have started the day out feeling so upbeat and for it to not have lasted an hour before everything was impossible. I think in future if I get lost in a small area I need to be aware that it might be a precursor to some more full on dissociation. I have been sad lately so very probably my brain is trying to get away from it.