I think I might be Depressed. But that doesn’t feel right to be honest, I feel somehow dissociated from my own self. None of this feels like The Swamp, I’ve been managed my own Depression pretty well and this doesn’t feel right. My willpower is pretty shot right now, I know that I have excess … Read More
My sense of time is… to be honest I’m not sure I really have one. I don’t mean the way I’m often late to things but that I can’t tell sometimes when or how things happen, like I need to really think in order to anchor myself in the timing on any given thing. I … Read More
Something strange happened at the weekend which I didn’t notice at the time. I asked someone how many partners they had, they said five serious and two play and I said whew that’s too many. The thing is, that didn’t used to be, for me I mean obviously. I’m not even talking pre-Jellicle when it … Read More
(Content warning Frank descriptions of my thoughts and feelings about the weekend just past) Seeing them hurt. Seeing them and realising how bad my mental health had been last year really hurt. I mean it’s still pretty bad, I’m still being stupidly gentle with myself to try and make sure the basics are happening or … Read More
I just got off FaceTime to my Mum in which I did a reasonable impersonation of snorting cocaine slightly to the side of the screen. This is obviously because today I got a prescription for Lisdexamfetamine and the doctor had to give me a briefing about not taking illegal drugs or alcohol with it. I … Read More
I’ve been thinking about asking the psychiatrist tomorrow about what an autistic shutdown looks like. It’s because when I’ve been reading about mental breaks they’ve been talking about immense emotional symptoms whereas I just went to bed and dissociated wildly. However that’s me not recognising my own emotions really, there was a break within my … Read More
(Content Warning – discussion of suicidal ideation, remember the Samaritans are always there for you 116 123) Usually when I stay in Glasgow I end up at the Leonardo on a last minute offer because it’s pretty much unused over a weekend. This weekend that has not happened and I went for the cheapest option … Read More
(Content warning – yet more mental health navel gazing, mention of roleplaying sexual assault) Dissociation is something that in reflection I’ve always been trying to avoid, things that ground me are things that I enjoy doing and they’re largely physical. I’ve always struggled not to paint with my fingers and to wear gloves when I’m … Read More
When I started work for Hijinks I began to see how mental and physical health intersected. I got a really good primer for how to operate when my chronic fatigue meant I had to stay in bed and do all the things my body would associate with Depression. In all honesty I’m just constantly picking … Read More
I dissociate, I dissociate a lot and when I get stressed I dissociate even more. It’s a real problem and it got a lot worse over the pandemic. Ok, it’s not a problem when I go to the dentist, at the dentist it’s actually massively useful because then I don’t freak out about the horrible … Read More
